When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You ate ashes out of my bong
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
