I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Randomize
