Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
