i just had sex bonerless
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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