either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
