I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
did i just pee glitter
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
