it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
