dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
