I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
