so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
