I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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