I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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