I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
