I skipped work to stalk him.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You left your phone here
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