'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
