Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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