saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
