I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
