ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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