If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
