Don't make out with my wife yet
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
