Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Drunk walkin through police station. America
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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