I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
