Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
