i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
