My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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