if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
