I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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