You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
