I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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