apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
