I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
