Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
