Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
