it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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