I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize