Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
