im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize