my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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