I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
