Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
