So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
it's like iHOP with fire
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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