i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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