She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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