Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
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