her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize