Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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