dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
