My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
