I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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