last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize