I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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