Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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