apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
