i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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