she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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