Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
