just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
