are you still at the devil's house?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Randomize
