Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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